It has been 49 days since the Presidential Election made Donald Trump our 45th President-elect. Yet, this morning, December 27, on talk radio and television news programs, I listened to Democratic pundits and strategists continuing to whine that Hillary Clinton won the popular vote by almost three million votes and that the Electoral College should be abolished. This whine turned to vinegar weeks ago, yet it continues.
So, let us once again try to explain how our Presidential Election works… and I will type very, very slowly.
Tennis, anyone?
Let’s say a tennis player – let’s call him Donnie – is up against a supposedly much more talented tennis player who we will call, Hill. Hill has travelled the globe playing tennis, has one of the highest-paid tennis coaches at her side, the best rackets money can buy – given to her by an Arab Sheik — and a host of trainers that are there to pick her up whenever she falls on the court chasing the little yellow ball. Hill is renowned in the tennis world for the “secret serve” she honed on the tennis court on her private residence in New York. Donnie has nice racket (in fact, it is gold-plated), but while a rabid fan of tennis, he has never played the game. He doesn’t have a trainer, but he has a really snazzy hat that says, “Make Tennis Great Again!”
The U.S. tennis media predicts a blow-out win for Hill and says Donnie does not have the skills and temperament to challenge Hill. Time Magazine, in a cover story, claims Donnie is in “Full Meltdown” prior to the match. Hill, showcasing her humility, calls Donnie “unfit” to take the court days before the match. Donnie, responding to those attacks, calls Hill a “nasty tennis player” and the U.S. tennis media, “dishonest.”
The stadium is packed with thousands of fans with “Make Tennis Great Again!” hats and a handful of Hill fans. Most of Hill’s fans thought the match would cause micro-aggressions and went on the Web to find “safe spaces” outside the stadium.
The challenger, Donnie, enters stadium and the crowd goes bonkers. They know he is David going into the lion’s den, but they just can’t get enough of Donnie. Moments later, Hill enters to rousing applause by four of her friends who turn out to be paid-trainers, her husband and his “niece.”
The match begins and Donnie successfully implements a multitude of shots never before seen in the game of tennis. The first set goes to a tie-breaker and somehow Donnie wins the first set seven-to-six. Exhausted and stunned, Hill says she “should be ahead by six games,” and then asks the referee for a time out, returning to the locker room to take a quick nap while Donnie autographs supporters’ hats.
Refreshed, Hill returns to the court, telling the referee she had a 15-minute case of pneumonia, but she is all better now. Donnie takes off his hat and combs his hair. The crowd goes nuts as the second set begins. This time, the heavily-favored Hill begins using her “secret serve” and smokes Donnie six games to none to win Set Two. The match is even.
It appears the end is near for Donnie, but the crowd is undeterred in their support for him. A 75-year-old grandmother jumps on the court and runs to Donnie, kisses him and shouts, “Make Tennis Great Again, Donnie!” Donnie asks the referee for a brief time-out, but the ref denies him. Donnie screams at the ref, “This whole thing is rigged!” Hill shouts at Donnie, “Play the game and accept the results! I find your behavior appalling.”
Not to be outdone, Donnie quickly reaches into his pocket and pulls out his turbo-charged smart phone and sends out a Tweet: “FBI Dir. Comey, if u r watching the tennis match, tell me what is n Hill’s ‘secret serve’. #MTGA!!!!! #Hillischeating.” Seconds later, he gets his answer: “She developed it using Yoga & a trick she learned from Carlos Danger called the “Twisted Weiner.” Just return it with lots of top SPIN!”
Voila! Hill’s “secret serve” becomes ineffective and the final set is too close to call with Hill leading six games-to-five with her only one game away from the crown. Donnie’s “irredeemable” supporters desperately want Donnie to win the next game and “lock” the match at six games apiece, “deplorably” shouting, “Lock Her Up, Lock Her Up!” It’s Donnie’s serve and he sends a scorcher mid-court, right on the tape. Ace! Hill screams at the ref: “That was out!” and throws her racket into the stands, hitting her husband in the crotch and giving his companion (aka, his “niece”) a black eye. Ahem. One of her trainers runs onto the court with a new racket for Hill, this one with its strings more tightly wound.
Up 15-Love, Donnie fires a serve in the corner of the service square, again, right on the tape. Another ace. This time Hill slams her racket on the court. The ref threatens to penalize her, maybe, if she does it again. Hill retrieves her severely damaged second racket and awaits the delivery of yet another one. Donnie shouts out to her: “Hey Hill, the rules say you have to play with that racket, even if it’s “crooked.” The ref, reluctantly concurs as Hill goes into a coughing spell, coughing up a lung pearl requiring the maintenance crew to sweep the court and spray Lysol. During the maintenance work, Donnie reaches again in his pocket, pulls out his smart phone and Tweets: “Winning! Thanks Charlie Sheen. #MTGA #CrookedHillRacket #ThxComey.”
It’s 30-Love, then 45-Love, then game as Hill’s “crooked” racket makes her unable to return the easiest of shots. The crowd is foaming at the mouth, shouting: “You Locked Her Up, You Locked Her Up!” With the win, the set is knotted at six-to-six and it’s time for the tie-breaker. With Hill unable to serve or return, Donnie sweeps her in the tie-breaker and wins the match, although several U.S. tennis media, weeping “reporters” for MSNBC and CNN, say the match is STILL too close to call and that Fidel Castro was “misunderstood.”
As Donnie jumps over the net to, in tennis tradition, shake Hill’s hand, she runs away into the locker room. Donnie proceeds to the winner’s table to accept his trophy when Hill dashes back on the court, screaming: “That’s my trophy! That’s my trophy! I will not accept this outcome!”
Donnie GRABS the um, er, trophy as Hill’s supporters and the U.S. Tennis Media (sorry for the redundancy) begin to cry. One journalist screams: “Donnie won two out of three sets, but Hill won more games – 18 to 14! This isn’t fair! (sob, sob, sob) We need to abolish the “set system!”
Hill again heads for the locker room shouting “Comey gave away my ‘secret serve!” It’s not my fault! It’s my fault! (Get it?)
Donnie, brimming with pride, grabs his smart phone and Tweets: “Hill Won More Games. I Won More Sets. I Won the Match by the rules. Stop Whining! #MTGA #CrookedHillRacket #DishonestTennisMedia.”
The Electoral College our Founding Fathers instituted? Game, set and MATCH!
whatdidjesusdrive 