New England’s Kraft Mac and Cheese Weenie

I thought it could not possibly happen again, but it did. The “it” is the O.J. Simpson jury. Twenty years after their stunning “not guilty” verdict, even though everyone in the free world knew he was dead nuts guilty, the Juice’s jury has morphed into another sorry lot made up of New England Cheaters, um, er, Patriots’ owner Robert Kraft, its star quarterback and the NFL players’ union who are all saying Tom Brady broke no rules in the alleged “Deflategate” and should have his suspension voided.

Now we get to sit back and watch this silly spectacle waste taxpayer money in the court system. It will not surprise me if Brady goes “Full Lance Armstrong” and not only continues to lie, but also tries to destroy the people who know the truth. Brady sealed his fate when he went “Full Hillary” and destroyed his smartphone just as the investigators were closing in on his little game of deceit. I wonder if he had any text messages about yoga in that phone.

Everybody with a brain knows Brady is that wonderful combination of cheater and liar. I know that if I was NFL Commissioner Roger Goodell, I would slap a ginormous defamation suit on both Brady and Kraft.

The Brady “Hunch” (Corrected after much bitching)

Tom Brady: Cheater and Liar according to the NFL’s investigation into “Soggy Ballsgate.” Yep, a guy who is considered one of the greatest quarterbacks in NFL history is a cheater and a liar: Two, two, two mints in one. Actually those two traits seem to go together more and more these days, don’t they? Brady cannot cry foul for anything the NFL does to him in the coming weeks as he refused to cooperate with the investigation. So, all we have from Brady is his pathetic post-game denial of anything to do with the soggy balls he had his hand around in the first half of the AFC Title Game earlier this year.

I could go all-partisan, put on my Michigan State alumni jersey and say “What do you expect from a Michigan Wolverine? Cheating is second nature.” But I will not do that. I repeat I will not accuse Brady of being a cheater because that is how they roll in Ann Arbor. I am staying classy San Diego.

So what will Roger “I didn’t know Ray Rice beat up his girlfriend even though he told me in a face-to-face meeting” Goodell end up doing to Brady, the “ball boys” and the New Cheating Patriots? Fines? Of course, but what’s a few bucks to people like Tom Brady who has about as much money as Bill and The Woman Formerly Known as Hillary Clinton. Suspensions? Doubt it. Maybe: a game or two at the most. Draft pick? Again maybe, but one draft pick is meaningless in the grand scheme. This is, what I think will happen.

What should happen? Hammurabi baby! As in Hummurabi’s Code of Laws. You remember: an eye for an eye, a tooth for a tooth. Brady ordered his ball boys to deflate the game balls to gain an advantage and therefore he should have his, um, er, you get my drift.

Starbucks Liars and “Happy” Idiots at the United Nations

Liars and Celebs speaking out on subjects they apparently know nothing about capped the news as we entered a new week of chaos in the world. Let’s start with the Liars and, unfortunately, they are people in my craft – PR people thrown to the wolves by an incredibly shallow, self-absorbed and overly-caffeinated CEO.

I am talking about, of course, the debacle at Starbucks created by CEO Howard “I know nothing other than lattes” Schultz. The kazillionaire thought it would be moving, inspirational and just-plain-enlightened if he convinced his “partners” to engage in discussions with customers about “race relations in America” as they prepared the overpriced coffee drinks. Starbucks printed “Race Together” on cups in hopes that customers eager to throw away four or five bucks on a beverage would happily wish to engage in race relations discussions with a minimum wage barrister whom undoubtedly spent much of their higher education studying the issues of the past 300 years.

I went to a Starbucks, hoping for the engagement. I wanted to find out if the coffee technician knew that the fight for slavery, the Jim Crow shame and the fight against the civil rights revolution of the 1960s was led by Democrats, not Republicans. I was ready to point out that Jews in America stood by Black America to give them equal rights over the objection of Democrats in the U.S. House, the U.S. Senate, state legislatures and racist Democratic governors, only to have our first black President, twice elected, recently show nothing but disdain and contempt for the Jewish state of Israel and its leaders. I wanted to find out if these newly-called-to-action-race-relations-discussers, working on my cappuccino (venti of course), knew that the former hallowed Democratic dean of the Senate, the late Robert Byrd, was a former KKK grand wizard?

I got squat. Just my four dollar drink. No discussion, just a “Jason” when my beverage was complete. Deflated, I left, got in my car and drove away. This morning I found that the $40 million a year or so CEO Schultz abandoned his pathetic attempt at “civil discourse.” He, apparently, was not ready for the pushback for his silly stunt and he tucked his tail between his, ahem, and mercifully ended his stupidity.

Then, the worst thing happened. A spokesperson for Starbucks stated that the program had not been discontinued — nay, nay, nay — but was merely “concluded, as planned.” After a week. Shut up liar. You disgraced yourself, your company and the craft of PR. Nobody bought it. Nobody. If you wish to stop covering your bosses’ moronic behavior and want to continue lying for a living, quickly send your resume to the State Department, Hillary Clinton’s campaign or Team Obama. You have gained the necessary “spin doctor” credentials to fit in any of these places quite nicely and perhaps thrive. But don’t buy a mirror for your apartment as you may have a hard time looking yourself in it. But, then again, maybe you won’t have a problem after all considering your recent track record.

Finally, onto celebs speaking out of their paper a—holes. Pharrell Williams brought his “Happy” message to 1,300 kids at the United Nations saying the “happiness was birthright” and that “happy” people will focus on Climate Change. Williams, of course, is “happy” that his annoying song has made him millions. I just wonder: would he be “happy” to know that the United Nations Human Rights Council includes such stellar “happy” places for the “little guys and gals” as China, Cuba, Russia and Venezuela.

I guess “happiness” is “bliss.” And blind. Happy now Pharrell? Grow up, get informed and maybe your next cute song will be called “Pissed.”

“Sources”: Bubba and Hillary talk “Yoga” and “Toga”

This morning one of my incredibly unreliable sources gave me the transcript of a telephone conversation last night between former President Bill “Bubba” Clinton and former Secretary of State Hillary Clinton. My source – let’s call him Wang – said he snagged the conversation when his colleagues in Beijing were hastily removing their remote monitoring equipment from the Clinton’s private e-mail server and phone lines in their New York home.

(Caution: the following conversation is very graphic in nature.)

Bubba: Hello Honey.

Hillary: Who is this?

Bubba: It’s the big guy with the great hair, even at my age.

Hillary: So, how are negotiations with the Iranians going Secretary Kerry?

Bubba: Hill, it’s me, your boy, Bubba.

Hillary: What do YOU want?

Bubba: I watched your press conference at the U.N. this afternoon.

Hillary: What difference, at this point, does it make?

Bubba: Hill, Hill, I told you to lose that line, didn’t I?

Hillary: I know. So, how did I do?

Bubba: For the most part, it was great honey, but…

Hillary: But WHAT, Bill?

Bubba: Well, uh, um, why did you have to mention the Toga Party I threw at the house when you were travelling to Russia to push that “Reset Button” back in 2009?

Hillary: What Toga Party!!!!!!??????

Bubba: It wasn’t that big – only a couple hundred co-eds from the local community college. They only broke a couple a lamps and only three of the young gals puked on the carpet. And trust me honey, I did not have sexual relations with any of those young women. So, back to my question if I may: why did you have to bring up the Toga Party yesterday?

Hillary: I didn’t say “Toga” numb nuts. I said there were private emails discussing Chelsea’s wedding, Mom’s funeral and “YOGA.” ya putz.

Bubba: Oh, my bad. I love Yoga, especially when you load it up with those chocolate sprinkle thingies, Reese’s Pieces and some nacho cheese sauce. But why talk about ice cream in a press conference where you are on the hot seat?

Hillary: I did it to throw people off. I did learn at least something from you. I mean, who can question Yoga, the ancient exercise routine that keeps you in great physical shape?

Bubba: Oh, I get it. So when you gonna start this Yoga thing Hill?

Hillary: Go to hell Bill. Go to hell. (Click)

White House Should Hire Baghdad Bob; at least he was entertaining

I believe in the craft of Public Relations, when it is done right, which starts with telling the truth. As I wrote in chapter one of my book, “Tell it like it is, clearly and succinctly. Natalie Wood did not die from ‘excessive hydration.” She drowned. And Tupac Shakur didn’t die from ‘lead poisoning.’ He was shot. The art of being clever or linguistically illusive will compromise the integrity of your organization.”

The Obama Administration has a master’s degree in linguistic illusiveness, from Benghazi to the IRS to Obamacare. But yesterday’s example took the cake; at least for now. Described as a “rookie” White House spokesman, Eric Schultz embarrassed himself and, unfortunately, the craft of Public Relations. Supposedly this White House adheres to a decades-old U.S. policy of negotiating with terrorists: we don’t. At least not publicly. When asked how exchanging five Taliban operatives from Gitmo for soldier and alleged deserter Sgt. Bowe Bergdahl did not violent that policy, Schultz twisted like a Rold Gold pretzel in one of the most painful press conferences I have ever witnessed. It was part Anthony “Show me your” Weiner, part Baghdad Bob.

Rookie Schultz called the Taliban an “armed insurgency” as opposed to ISIS, which he said was “a terrorist group.” When a befuddled ABC News reporter followed up that pathetic answer by asking Schultz why he didn’t think the Taliban was a terrorist group, the young White House PR guy’s head almost exploded until he attempted an answer: “I don’t think that the Taliban (painfully long pause)…the Taliban is an armed insurgency.” And then, when finished, I think Schultz experienced one of those annoying vomit burps.

Schultz had another painful gem while making a fool of himself. He said the prisoner swap was a “traditional end-of-conflict interaction.” Think the Japanese and Germans at the end of WWII. But obviously Schultz had been paying more attention to ProActive zit cream ads than actually reading the news. The “conflict” with the Taliban is far from over.

Just last month, the Taliban went into the Army Public School and Degree College in Peshhawar, Pakistan and slaughtered 145 people, more than 100 of which were children. Don’t know about you, but that sounds a whole lot like garden variety terrorism.

Perhaps as a PR practitioner I should cut Schultz some slack. Hell, maybe this White House has put miniature cattle prods in the ears of its spokespeople and those talking similarly at the State Department. Say the words “terrorist” or “Radical Islam” and you get a massive jolt.

But I am not cutting any slack for Schultz or chief spokesman Josh Earnest or the spokeswomen at the State Department. They all have been a disgrace to my profession and, more importantly, the United States of America. Look for Saturday Night Live to open up their next show mocking this national embarrassment.