Osama bin Laden: A Message Home to the Kiddies

The U.S. Government today released a tiny portion of the “treasure trove” of info, files, etc. snared by Navy Seals Team Six when they smoked Osama bin Laden in his compost, er, compound in Pakistan. The most interesting document, according to the main street media, was Osama’s job application he was using to recruit future terrorists. “Willing to do a suicide bombing? If so, please list your closest contact so that we may inform them when you become a martyr.” Don’t remember that question when I applied in high school at Dutch Oven Pizza in my home town or Pella, Iowa, or when I took jobs at Chrysler, Nissan and Ford.

What I found most interesting in the “treasure trove” was a passing reference to bin Laden’s correspondences with his family not living with him while ensconced in his “palace” in Pakistan. I can only imagine how they read:

Dear Osama Jr. One, Osama Jr. Two, Osama Jr. Three – oh Hell, one through 16 – and my four of five wives not suffering here with us in Pakistan (especially Karen XXOOXXOO):

Allahu Akbar. Merry Jihad and hows yous doing (learned that last phrase from a couple of jihadists in “Jersey” I Facebooked a couple of months ago.) Sorry I have not written in some time, but I cannot totally trust the UPPS – the Unreliable Pakistani Postal Service – and I have not tried to email you do to the shenanigans at the NSA. (Oh, shenanigans is an Irish term that I became aware of and just find it fun and fitting; therefore al Qaeda will never bomb Ireland. They are safe. For me, it is good to be green.)

Sorry, I got waylaid. (Waylaid is not a reference to the considerable Western porn I have been viewing, ah, er, in order to reinforce my hatred for the sickness of the United States of America and its former President George W. Bush and that Dick, Cheney.)

I hope you are all safe and look forward to the day we are a family again, sitting in the “No American Living Room” (I just cracked myself up) and watching videos of the 9/11 triumph against the Satans, my strike on the U.S.S. Cole in Yemen, and previous greatest “hits” like the original World Trade Center bombing and the killings of U.S. Marines in Beirut back when that sick man Reagan was Satan Number One. They are truly America’s “Funniest Home Videos.” I, seriously, have to grab my sides when I watch them; they are a laugh riot, kind of like Caddyshack and Stripes with Bill Murray. One of my five wives will make a really big batch of popcorn – yes, organic, don’t worry — and I promise to import some of those real-sugar Coca-Colas from Mexico if you promise to behave yourselves.

Attached is a check for 30 million dollars. Try to make it last as I am getting short on funds. The Accounts Payable buttheads in the Iranian government are very slow to pay and Kim Jong Ill, the Castros and Chavez are asking for very detailed expense reports and I, unfortunately, lost my receipts earlier tonight when a couple of errant helicopters flew over the house just seconds ago and blew them out the window, only to be eaten by goats.

Love to talk more, but someone is now knocking on the door. Probably Domino’s Pizza. Don’t tell anyone but I ordered a pie with Canadian Bacon and ham. Hey, living large.

All the best,

Your Papa Osama

“Sources”: Bubba and Hillary talk “Yoga” and “Toga”

This morning one of my incredibly unreliable sources gave me the transcript of a telephone conversation last night between former President Bill “Bubba” Clinton and former Secretary of State Hillary Clinton. My source – let’s call him Wang – said he snagged the conversation when his colleagues in Beijing were hastily removing their remote monitoring equipment from the Clinton’s private e-mail server and phone lines in their New York home.

(Caution: the following conversation is very graphic in nature.)

Bubba: Hello Honey.

Hillary: Who is this?

Bubba: It’s the big guy with the great hair, even at my age.

Hillary: So, how are negotiations with the Iranians going Secretary Kerry?

Bubba: Hill, it’s me, your boy, Bubba.

Hillary: What do YOU want?

Bubba: I watched your press conference at the U.N. this afternoon.

Hillary: What difference, at this point, does it make?

Bubba: Hill, Hill, I told you to lose that line, didn’t I?

Hillary: I know. So, how did I do?

Bubba: For the most part, it was great honey, but…

Hillary: But WHAT, Bill?

Bubba: Well, uh, um, why did you have to mention the Toga Party I threw at the house when you were travelling to Russia to push that “Reset Button” back in 2009?

Hillary: What Toga Party!!!!!!??????

Bubba: It wasn’t that big – only a couple hundred co-eds from the local community college. They only broke a couple a lamps and only three of the young gals puked on the carpet. And trust me honey, I did not have sexual relations with any of those young women. So, back to my question if I may: why did you have to bring up the Toga Party yesterday?

Hillary: I didn’t say “Toga” numb nuts. I said there were private emails discussing Chelsea’s wedding, Mom’s funeral and “YOGA.” ya putz.

Bubba: Oh, my bad. I love Yoga, especially when you load it up with those chocolate sprinkle thingies, Reese’s Pieces and some nacho cheese sauce. But why talk about ice cream in a press conference where you are on the hot seat?

Hillary: I did it to throw people off. I did learn at least something from you. I mean, who can question Yoga, the ancient exercise routine that keeps you in great physical shape?

Bubba: Oh, I get it. So when you gonna start this Yoga thing Hill?

Hillary: Go to hell Bill. Go to hell. (Click)

A Look Back at the Most Lawless Week of the Obama Adminstration

I wanted to reflect over the weekend before I commented on the shear lawlessness that took place in our country last week courtesy of the Obama Administration. As they say, let’s go to the video tape.

Because this Administration knows it cannot completely whip out the Second Amendment and take all guns out of the hands of law-abiding citizens, it decided to do an end-run and unilaterally ban the sale of one of the one popular bullets used by hunters. This immediately led to a “run” on the bank of this ammo and will necessarily result in a flourishing black market for the bullets, which by definition is a criminal enterprise. Most likely criminals will not be fearful of buying on the black market, while law-abiding citizens will have second thoughts. Good job Mr. President.

Next up in our lowlight reel is the FCC, unlawfully high-jacking the Internet in a scheme called “Net Neutrality.” These are the same clowns that previously thought about putting “monitors” in news stations to make sure they were being “fair and balanced.” It was a blatant attempt to bottle neck and perhaps shut down FOX News and conservative talk radio. The Net Neutrality regulations were written in the dark of the night with no sharing with Congress. Obama’s FCC merely said trust us. Previous supporters (the big broadband providers) are now crying foul and are threatening lawsuits. Good luck with that suckers. Already, the FCC’s still-undisclosed kidnapping of the Internet has been deemed ObamaNet. Good grief. Lie to us once; shame on you. Lie to us all the time; shame on all the people that gave this president a second term. I will say, you were promised “change.”

Rounding out the lowlights was an Obama town hall, sponsored by MSNBC and Telemundo, attended by a host of illegal aliens. Oh, my bad, er, Illegal immigrants. Snap, I meant undocumented workers. What’s that you say? We don’t call them that anymore either. Oh, that’s right, the President is now referring to people who illegally gained entrance to this country and its services as “future Americans.”

Whatever you call them, I remember the good ‘ol days when law enforcement carried out very clever sting operations to catch dead-beat dads and other law breakers by arranging a bogus job fair or some other made-up event in which the participants would get something for free, only to find that they were being busted. Never been to one of these, but it’s got to be a hoot. Smile criminal, you’re on Candid Camera.

For a moment I thought what an opportunity this Obama town hall would be: we could suck in all these “Future Americans” and bust them for violating the laws of our land. Better yet, we’d have the evidence on tape as the two TV networks were there to record it. But NOOOOOOOOO! They were there to hear what the President of the United States, by his lonesome, was going to GIVE to them – if not now, very soon. And he made sure he let the illegal aliens (there, I said it) know that if Congress tried to make him enforce our laws, he just wasn’t going to do it. That wasn’t his job dammit!

Obama and his team topped off the week by awkwardly trying to bitch-slap the prime minister of Israel, our closest ally in the Middle East, by sending out his pathetic attack dog, the serial-lying Susan Rice and his incoherent Secretary of State John Kerry.

It was a week to behold. Actually, cry.

We Need a T-Day Invasion: Operation OverLOAD, No Caliphate Left Behind

Seventy-one years ago, thousands of brave American, British and Canadian soldiers stormed the beaches of Nazi-occupied Normandy on D-Day, also known as Operation Overlord. Notice I didn’t say “Germany-occupied Normandy.” Germany, itself, was being occupied by fascists led by Hitler. American and Russian soldiers later freed the German people with victory.

Well, it’s time to pay back the IOU, Germany: Join the U.S., France, Egypt, Saudi Arabia, Jordan, Britain, Canada, and Australia (oh hell, maybe even the Russians) and others to stop the terror of the Islamic State (ISIS, ISIL or whatever these barbarians call themselves).

Shock and Awe on Steroids.

But, some question, whom is the enemy in Iraq, Syria, Libya, Nigeria, etc.? Answer: It’s the “random folks” firing at you or running away. Pretty simple, especially with our intelligence capabilities. Think about it, our Smartphones and Smart TVs monitor us now.

At D-Day, we had no satellites in space or the incredible intelligence capabilities we have today. But, we had one thing: balls. Let’s find the former (balls, and yes, ovaries) and use the latter (intelligence) to find these scum and wipe them off the map. If the free nations of our world get together, we can do this in months, not years. Zero tolerance. Zero prisoners.

Let’s call it the T-Day Invasion. The “T” of course stands for Terrorism and let’s codename it Operation OverLOAD…No Caliphate Left Behind.

Mitt and Putin ONE; Obama and Hillary ZERO

Every PR person worth their salt knows that timing is not just everything; sometimes it’s the only thing. Consider what happened today on opposite sides of Mother Earth. In the U.S., Mitt Romney rocked the political world by abandoning what seemed like a sure run for the White House in which he was leading in every major poll of Republican hopefuls. Thousands of miles away, Russian-supported troops took over a town in Eastern Ukraine.

 Two-plus years ago, President Obama cockily mocked then-candidate Mitt Romney in a debate because Romney had the “audacity” to suggest that Russia was our country’s biggest geo-political threat. Earlier, of course, Obama and Obama alone had “fixed” the problem with Russia when he whispered sweet nothings into the ear of Putin’s bag man, then President Dmitri “Can I buy a vowel” Medvedev: “I need space. This is my last election. After my election I have more flexibility.” Medvedev replied, “I understand. I will transmit this information to Vladimir.” Transmit? Wow, spoken as only a true Russian Commie can.

 Obama had every right to be confident in his ability to be the quintessential world leader. (Not!) After all, earlier he had sent his Secretary of State to Moscow where Hillary pushed a “Reset” button, ala Staples. Famously, the Russian word for reset is “perezagruzka,” but ‘ol Hill had a button with the word “peregruzka” on it. Russian Foreign Minister Sergey Lavrow “playfully” told the Secretary her button meant “overcharged.” Mrs. Clinton then, infamously, started to cackle like a hyena on crack.

 Sadly, as we all know now, Romney was right all along, despite Obama’s smart-assed diss. And Putin now knows how weak we are as a global force under our President; so much so he can do what he pleases in his backyard and support all kinds of bad actors – from Iran, to Syria, to North Korea and now to Greece. And with each new day, the world gets a lot scarier because Hillary botched a “reset” and Obama has more “flexibility.” I suppose that bending over backwards to help the bad guys is a sign of flexibility…or, more likely, the lack of a spine.

 I hope that as a country, we don’t make the same mistake in 2016 that too many made in 2012, even after the hope-and-change-turned-folly of 2008 was staring voters in the face.

White House Should Hire Baghdad Bob; at least he was entertaining

I believe in the craft of Public Relations, when it is done right, which starts with telling the truth. As I wrote in chapter one of my book, “Tell it like it is, clearly and succinctly. Natalie Wood did not die from ‘excessive hydration.” She drowned. And Tupac Shakur didn’t die from ‘lead poisoning.’ He was shot. The art of being clever or linguistically illusive will compromise the integrity of your organization.”

The Obama Administration has a master’s degree in linguistic illusiveness, from Benghazi to the IRS to Obamacare. But yesterday’s example took the cake; at least for now. Described as a “rookie” White House spokesman, Eric Schultz embarrassed himself and, unfortunately, the craft of Public Relations. Supposedly this White House adheres to a decades-old U.S. policy of negotiating with terrorists: we don’t. At least not publicly. When asked how exchanging five Taliban operatives from Gitmo for soldier and alleged deserter Sgt. Bowe Bergdahl did not violent that policy, Schultz twisted like a Rold Gold pretzel in one of the most painful press conferences I have ever witnessed. It was part Anthony “Show me your” Weiner, part Baghdad Bob.

Rookie Schultz called the Taliban an “armed insurgency” as opposed to ISIS, which he said was “a terrorist group.” When a befuddled ABC News reporter followed up that pathetic answer by asking Schultz why he didn’t think the Taliban was a terrorist group, the young White House PR guy’s head almost exploded until he attempted an answer: “I don’t think that the Taliban (painfully long pause)…the Taliban is an armed insurgency.” And then, when finished, I think Schultz experienced one of those annoying vomit burps.

Schultz had another painful gem while making a fool of himself. He said the prisoner swap was a “traditional end-of-conflict interaction.” Think the Japanese and Germans at the end of WWII. But obviously Schultz had been paying more attention to ProActive zit cream ads than actually reading the news. The “conflict” with the Taliban is far from over.

Just last month, the Taliban went into the Army Public School and Degree College in Peshhawar, Pakistan and slaughtered 145 people, more than 100 of which were children. Don’t know about you, but that sounds a whole lot like garden variety terrorism.

Perhaps as a PR practitioner I should cut Schultz some slack. Hell, maybe this White House has put miniature cattle prods in the ears of its spokespeople and those talking similarly at the State Department. Say the words “terrorist” or “Radical Islam” and you get a massive jolt.

But I am not cutting any slack for Schultz or chief spokesman Josh Earnest or the spokeswomen at the State Department. They all have been a disgrace to my profession and, more importantly, the United States of America. Look for Saturday Night Live to open up their next show mocking this national embarrassment.